The Seventh Sign

Let’s get one thing straight from the get-go here. This is not a blog about the world’s worst movies. It is not called Bad Movie Revu. Who told you it was called Bad Movie Revu?  That would be an even worse name for a blog than HuluRevu. No, ninjas, this is a blog about movies on Hulu. It just so happens that the movies on Hulu are largely awful, awful movies. Who knows why the movies on Hulu are largely awful, awful movies? WOULD YOU ASK THE SUN TO STOP SHINING? The point is, if you want to read a blog about terrible movies so much, why don’t you marry it? Huh? Oh, I’m sorry. Am I not making any sense? No? That might be because my mind is so BLOWN from the new entry in the HuluRevu canon, The Seventh Sign, starring Demi Moore. It is SUCH A HORRIBLE MOVIE. It is the reason this blog should be called “Bad Movie Revu,” even though I literally JUST said it should not be called “Bad Movie Revu.” This movie is the backspace key for my MIND.

(Oh look. It’s the guys from the Metaphor University. Coming to make me DEAN.)

CNTRL + ALT + YUCKLETE

The Seventh Sign, you guys.

“Sjunde Tecknet” means “this movie is great!” in BARFANESE

Demi Moore is the wife of some annoying hotshot lawyer. She’s living at a time of global unrest, what with all of Haiti’s fish dying and some town in the Middle East freezing over (and also shrinking to the size of a movie model but WHATEVER) and the Amazon turning to blood. So it seems that the planet is spinning wildly and irrevocably out of control to some nameless yet certain doom from which there is no hope of escape.

Which is to say, everything is terrible, but longtime readers of HuluRevu already know that.

Demi Moore is pregnant, first of all. She and her very, very annoying lawyer husband rent out their upstairs apartment to some guy named David who is just the weirdest guy. He has this accent that just nobody has, and he says the creepiest things (HE KNOWS THE EXACT DAY THAT HER BABY WILL BE BORN!) and he looks at everybody with great staring power. But he has some charming story about how sparrows see all the souls shuffled out of Heaven and put into new babies, so he must be a good guy. Alright, David! What a guy! Except we, the audience, know he can’t be that great of a guy, because he’s in such a terrible movie been breaking all these seals (not like this) at the scenes of all those global catastrophes I mentioned earlier. Some might say, even CAUSING these catastrophes? As if he were more than he seemed! COULD IT BE?!?

Of course he is.  He’s actually Jesus Christ. Of course.

The Second Dumbing

He’s back because God’s so sick of humanity that he’s just decided to drop the other shoe. “First I came as the lamb,” says David, “now I’m here as the lion.” Gross. Somebody call the Bible Doctor, because we have a CODE RED. Anyway. According to David/Jesus, Demi Moore is pregnant with the world’s last baby. And when that baby is born, all the souls will be used up and the apocalypse will happen and it’s all just exactly like the Bible says and boom goes the dynamite. Selah. Oh, also Demi Moore was at the Crucifixion in a previous life (yes, sure, of course.) She was there, and Jesus asked her to help him(?) while he was being whipped, and she didn’t. That is very relevant to the plot. Why? I don’t know. Some questions have no answers.

It’s supposed to be scary and suspenseful, but it’s not scary and suspenseful. It is ridiculous and derivative. It’s like the director saw The Omen was like, “Let’s do the same thing, but stupid!” And Demi Moore, you are no Gregory Peck. I am MAN enough to know the difference.

Yep!

Nope.

There’s also this “priest” who’s traveling to all the scenes of natural disasters and at every single one he stops and stares out over the wreckage with GREAT STARING POWER and gets all misty eyed as he quotes some Bible verse that correlates to the disaster. At first it’s sort of spooky, but after the eighth Bible verse it’s like, “we get it, Father. PEACE BE WITH YOU AND YOUR ASTONISHINGLY STUPID SUBPLOT.”

So Demi Moore, still pregnant with the world’s last baby just like it says in the Bible, finds this scroll of ancient writing, and she takes it to a Rabbi like any normal person would so that he can translate it. But then she tries to shake the Rabbi’s hand and he freaks out like he is ON FIRE and runs away, refusing to talk to her because I guess it is a great insult for Rabbis to be touched. (“Oh, Jews! Always with the hating to be touched!” – The Seventh Sign’s religious experts.) But the Rabbi’s extremely young grandson is all Professor Ancient Languages, because he can translate the “secret language of Hasidic Jews,” even though I am not sure he is old enough to read a normal language. So, anyway, the kid translates the ancient language and it is some ancient, secret manuscript called the Book of Jeremiah! And instead of being all, “Well, now I feel stupid because I spent the last however long translating a book that that is regularly given away for free,” the kid’s all like:

The book of Jeremiah says a lot of Bible stuff about how the world’s going to end. Demi Moore figures out that she and her baby, the world’s last baby, can stop the Apocalypse from happening (just like the Bible says) but she needs David/Jesus to give her the exact details of the operation. And he says – are you ready for this? Because I am not kidding. ARE YOU READY FOR THIS?!? – he says:

“Hope.”

Good. Night. Nurse. What do you have to say for your wife, Ashton Kutcher?

I am the world’s last baby.

Whatever, Ashton. Let’s just focus on how this is not plot resolution. This is a simple example of a scriptwriter who built the stakes bigger than he knew how to resolve, and was forced to use a DEUS EX RETARDA plot device to make his stupid, shallow, insipid movie work. THAT is the worst thing about this movie.

THE OTHER WORST THING ABOUT THIS MOVIE IS HOW GREAT IT THINKS IT IS! Like, I know nobody comes to this site for Bible Trivia (I’m not positive anybody comes to this site at all) but, really? Really, The Seventh Sign? Jesus? The Book of Jeremiah? And don’t even get me started on the mentally handicapped kid who is a serial killer because God made him that way to set the Apocalypse in motion. Alright! Mr. Cool God!

So Demi Moore hopes and hopes and she finally hopes enough that it makes more souls for Heaven? And she redeems herself for not helping Jesus back when she in her earlier life had a chance? And she gets shot (Oh, SPOILER BTW. Demi Moore dies. File under: The Seventh Duh) in the stomach but her baby survives because she hopes enough? And Jesus/David tells the genius Jewish child to write all this down? So that’s why we have the movie? Well, I know God don’t make no junk – but this movie is definitely junk, so I’m confused. No, The Seventh Sign, YOU’RE confused!

Look, it’s not like I went to BIBLE COLLEGE or whatever (oh wait) but maybe one person – ONE PERSON – should have called somebody who has read the Bible, before they made an entire movie Demi Moore Vanity Project about it. And if you don’t want to do a stitch of research about the fulcrum upon which your ENTIRE PLOT HINGES, then maybe make a Demi Moore Vanity Project about something else! Nobody is forcing you to put the Bible in your movie. The movie would probably be better without the Bible! Haha. Just kidding. Nothing would make this movie good. Maybe God could, and you pretty much burned that bridge when you decided to make a movie about what a jerk he is. But the only jerk here is you, the Seventh Sign.

Sniper 2

Fun fact! While I was enjoying (not enjoying) the latest entry in the Hulu Review canon, one of the commercials happened to be a preview for some sort of documentary being made about Jay-Z. And that got me thinking about Jay-Z. What a guy! I mean, I don’t mean to sound like Professor Hip-Hop over here, but you get the sense that while Kanye and Lil Wayne are busy trying to make you think that they’re the top dawg (rapping terms up in here. Ya’ll know it.) Jay-Z is just out there being that dawg (Fly homies be tripping over my dope rhymes, yo. Boots with the fur. I have no idea what I’m talking about.) Anyway, Jay-Z just leaves a trail of creativity everywhere he goes, blazing paths of endlessly innovative wordplay and beats that get into your guts and beat them to pieces, all while displaying an uncanny entrepreneurial savvy and marrying Beyonce and all. Jay-Z. Patriot. Hero.

And what was so ironic about all this is that while I was musing about one of the most creative and talented people in the entertainment industry, I was watching Sniper 2.

“This movie is so wack.”

–        Jay-Z, probably

Sniper 2, you guys

Alright! Sequels! All our old pals! I mean, I haven’t exactly seen Sniper 1 all the way through (or at all.) I WISH I HAD! Would have enhanced my movie watching experience so much, probably! According to Rotten Tomatoes, Sniper 2 “sorely lacks the character moments of the first.” Oh well. Tough break. Things happen that way sometimes. Probably after the EXPLOSIVE success of Sniper 1, Hollywood just rushed that sequel – without taking the time to ensure that it retained the original depth and charm of the original while still exploring provocative new frontiers in the multi-faceted and emotionally resonant world of SNIPER-ING. In any case, Sniper 2 definitely lacked character moments. And plot! And basic understanding of movies. But what it lacks in all that, it more than makes up for in making me want to chop off my own head!  

Sniper 2 follows the exciting adventures of Thomas Beckett, the world’s greatest sniper. He’s so good that the CIA finds him after he retires and recruits him for one last mission. At first he says ‘no.’ He’s getting too old for this! And why would they want him? Because he’s the only one who can, of course. Besides, if he accepts, the CIA has been authorized to give him “anything you want.” Anything he wants!

I, personally, would probably ask to, say, never have to pay parking meters again or for Google stock or something. But Thomas Beckett, the world’s greatest sniper, asks to be a Marine Sergeant. Of course. “You wouldn’t understand,” he says to the CIA. Well, that is because it is insane, Thomas Beckett. Maybe one of the character moments in the first one sets up this Sergeant thing, but whatever. They make him a sergeant. Some other stuff happens. They bring in this guy to help out. His name in the movie is Jake Cole, but I definitely prefer his real name, Bokeem Woodbine.

“But my friends call me 'Mr. Cool Jacket.'” - Bokeem

He’s in jail because he shot and killed a federal marshal or something. But he’s just so good at his job (“How could you call yourself good at killing people?” asks one of the people in this movie. Ooooh! Interesting moral conundrum! Moving on!) so they let him out of jail and off death row to help Thomas Beckett be a sniper. Good thinking. Isn’t it nice when plans just start coming together and MAKING SENSE?  "It’s finally starting to look like a real sniper mission!" – Bokeem Woodbine and Thomas Beckett

Some stuff happens. Bokeem Woodbine is like, “I hope we can find time to see some the Byzantine architecture where we’re going.” And Thomas Beckett says, “we’ve got to stay focused on the mission.” Oh man. Thomas Beckett is always focused on the mission, and telling everyone else to stay focused. So they are all so focused on the mission, it’s just crazy. Thomas Beckett has literally one expression on his face the entire movie, and that expression is “MISSION.”

"I've never held a gun before."

They meet their contact in a church, where they have this secret whispering session in the pews, and it is just hilarious. They are whispering all their plans from MANY CHURCH PEWS APART from each other. Their contact is this girl.

 YOWZERS! They’d like to contact her, if you know what I mean! (I don’t even know what I mean.) “We thought you’d be older,” they say. “Nobody gets old in this business,” she says, with great staring power. And that is hilarious, because Thomas Beckett was born in, like, 1912. He’s always calling people “son” and “sport” or whatever, just like old people do. Snipers! They’re just like us.

He also says, “scrabble the choppers!” just so many times. Are these army words? I doubt it. I, personally, have played Modern Warfare on my friends’ PS3 before, and nobody has ever said “scrabble the choppers” at all. “What an interesting, thoughtful story.” –You

So, they go on this mission. And Bokeem gets arrested and tortured. But it turns out it’s all part of the plan, which everyone knew about except for Thomas Beckett. Oh, SPOILER ALERT, BTW. The whole mission was just a set up to get Bokeem arrested and tortured so that they can…break him out? Along with another prisoner? I don’t know. I’m not positive anyone does. Was this in the first movie? I need a Sniper 1-head to fill me in. But I will say, there are plenty of EXPLOSIONS!

They are just so exciting hilarious. The best part is where the street trolley in this un-named Eastern European country BARRELS through police cars and Jeeps at what looks like about 0.05 miles per hour (kilometers? Army talk! SCRABBLE THE TROLLEYS!) and the jeeps make an explosion that can best be described as “unreasonable.”)

Science? Where we’re going, we don’t need science.

And Thomas Beckett is going blind, by the way. It’s a subplot that actually could be sort of interesting, but it comes to absolutely nothing. They hint at it, but, then that just falls off the map. Along with Bokeem’s burgeoning relationship with the “contact.” The motor gets going, and then she’s like “I’m leaving!” And they’re like “bye!” And that’s it. Bokeem tells Thomas Beckett to “stay on the mission.” And Beckett is like, “more like remission, because government and conspiracy” or something. And then he goes on and on about some make-believe nonsense moral and all I hear is blah, blah, blah. Ugh. I hated this movie so much. Let’s take a break and watch a Jay-Z music video.

Thanks, Jay-Z. Shining light in a dark world, right? Anyway, the most entertaining part of this movie was definitely the Hulu Viewer Comments Page (cool page! Very Web 2.0) where virtually every comment pointed out some inconsistencies in the Sniper 2 plot that I hadn’t noticed.

Ralph Klausen points out that…

The .338 lapua will not reasonably shoot 1.5 miles (2640yards). It would take around 5.5 seconds and drop around 125 yards(about 2.6 degrees low). There has only been 1 confirmed kill past 1.5 miles @ 1.51 miles by the McMillan Tac-50 which was about 3.9 seconds and 50 yard drop. The closest to that was only 2347yards with the Browning M2, both .50bmg rounds. Only rounds that will reasonably shoot 1.5 miles are the 50bmg, the .408 chey tac, and the .416 barrett. Theoretically a .416 weatherby could too if loaded with .416 barrett bullets or some other with a ridiculous bc.

Good point, Ralph! Although, in Sniper 2’s defense, the MISSION is supposed to be “off-the-record” so your “1 confirmed kill” only substantiates my sneaking suspicion that all is not as it seems in the world of snipering.

Also, Colton Lynn noticed that,

cardinal sin of anyone using a rifle, he called a mosin-nagant m1891/1930 a mouser. Two very different rifles from very different armies. not that you couldnt have done the same with either weapon

Of course! Haha! Classic mistake. Granted, you definitely could have done the same with either weapon. I will concede that, but COME ON, COLTON! If we let this slide, where does it end? Knowing which rifles are called “mousers” is what separates man from beast, right? (“Fo sho.” – Jay-Z.)

This movie just so bad. It is amazing that it was full of guns and explosions, but I was still bored enough to wonder if 2012 was coming anytime soon (“Scrabble the 2012’s!” –me) It is amazing that anybody thought this was just something that should be done. It is amazing (so amazing) that there is a Sniper 3 (THREE! They didn’t even make three DRAGON HUNTERS! [Yet!]) I don’t know anymore. What do you say, Jay-Z?

Word. 

Solarbabies

I’ve always had a thing for post-apocalyptic stuff. Probably because of my extremely realistic take on life. My understanding of our current climate, plagued as we are with unstoppable oil geysers and unwinnable wars, suggests that we are careening towards the apocalypse at breakneck speed, wildly out of control, our fates in the hands of the wicked and powerful. We live on the razor’s edge, because there is no other way to live. And once the inevitable apocalypse comes, we will be bombed into a hell of our own making– pushing our grocery carts through the ash-laden highways of burned America, with only our dissipating memories of former days to keep us company.

These guys know. They’re the Solarbabies.

Pictured: a group of young people who willingly and with full mental faculties, signed on to a movie apparently aware that they would be asked to portray something called “Solarbabies.”

Solarbabies, you guys.

 

Solarbabies is a 1986 movie starring who cares. It takes a place in a post apocalyptic future where something called The Protectorate is in charge of all the water, so there is no water anywhere. Also, this happens.

 

Roller skates! In the future! FUTURE ROLLERSKATES?!? Radical! Post-apocalyptic? More like POST-AWESOMPTALYPTIC, am I right? (I am not right.) Anyhow, it is not all fun and games in Solarbaby land which is either in the distant future or another planet altogether – the movie was never very clear on that point. It was not very clear on any point. The movie really trusted that I would be able to figure it out on my own (“show, don’t tell”) but I spent a good half the movie with one look on my face.

Pictured: My face, LADIES.

All children are forced to go to an orphanage where they’re forced to rollerskate everywhere, and forced to learn and play this skating sport hockey/lacrosse thing for some reason that is literally never explained whatsoever at all, period, amen. There are different teams and our heroes call themselves the Solarbabies (“because when you’re as good as they are, you don’t need a menacing name.” Oh, that is such a good line from the movie. It was probably RIPPED from a production meeting.

1: Do you think we should pick a name that doesn’t sound like the name of Anne Gedde’s memoirs?

2: I don’t know what a memoir is, because I’m a complete idiot, but I’ll tell you right now that when your movie is this good, you don’t need a good name. MOVIE NAMING MEETING, ADJOURNED!)

But then, Richard (“The Pin” in Brick! When he was just a little guy!) finds Bodai. It’s this glowing volleyball thing that cures his deafness and makes it fake rain indoors and everyone just falls in love with this little glowing ball that has no apparent personality whatsoever.

A boy and his best effing friend, I guess.

But when Bodai goes missing, the Solarbabies runaway  SKATEaway from the orphanage in broad daylight out the front door pursued by no one at all and go on a quest to find it. And what an adventure it is! So great! The greatest adventure, for sure.

This happens.

Some stuff happens. A bird dies and they all cry and have to bury it before they can move on. One of the guys finds a beer in an abandoned cave and drinks it. And when the bad guy hits on the Solarbaby girl, she says, “away from me, you filth!” YEOW! That’s a spicy meat-a-ball! Also, they meet this guy who looks like Jesus and owns a glacier (“it’s called ice.”) They continue to refer to themselves as Solarbabies the whole entire time. They skate everywhere, in the desert. Bodai is captured and tortured in a scene that is very heartbreaking hilarious. Eventually, the Protectorate dam breaks and all the water spills out, which creates a thunderstorm (“that is what dam breaks do.” – Solarbabies’ marine experts.)

Guys, I seriously have not had this much fun watching a movie in a long time. There is no reason for you to not watch it right now. I won’t ruin anything for you, but the Solarbabies save the future world in ways that can only be described as “roller-skate-based.” The part where this happens:

Is the funniest scene I have seen in any movie this year. Except for maybe the climactic finish in which Bodai actually kills the villains in wildly and dramatically horrific ways.

Pictured: A scene from a movie about roller skating

 You swim with Bodi, you get wet with FIRE. We finish, not with the US poster, which is hilarious, or with my own fan-made poster. But with the Spanish poster – which some courageous soul actually painted and did an remarkable job of making this movie look awesome.

 Pictured: So, so many things that just don't happen at all in Solarbabies.

For those of you who no habla, the tagline at the top says: “Sometimes, I hate my job...lots!”

Solarbaby Painter: brave soldier in the war against truth-in-advertising. 

Monster Ark

Monster Ark

Hey guys. Sorry about that! Work’s just been crazy. I have so many irons in the fire right now, you just don’t even know. And there’s just been project after project, with papers piling up and business meetings and trips. And I’m sure you’ve all been eagerly awaiting (oh, very eagerly, I’m so sure) the next entry in my sad quest, but you know how the 9-to-5 goes. Man! Work talk! So interesting! If I ever have another blog, it’ll be all about work! (Oh wait.) Anyway, for worse or worse, I’m back now. Let’s do this.

Every year, Hollywood makes a billion (exactly, one billion) terrible movies that are sequels, derivatives, remakes, or rip-offs of other movies. We’ve seen them all before, and we will continue to see them all until 2012 comes to usher us into the sweet, sweet release from humanity’s unending nightmare as documented on Hulu. Because that is Hulu’s job. It is not really Hulu’s job, but whatever. Hulu is not the hero we need, but it is the one we deserve.

Anyway, another type of movie that is even more dangerous (haha, dangerous) is the movie that actually sounds like it has a great idea behind it. A painful rehash masquerading as a fresh, original nonhash. Monster Ark is such a movie. Sort of. I mean, the idea may not be all that great but, man, what a tagline! I think “tagline,” is the right word. Anyway, it’s a good one! Are you ready for this tagline? ARE YOU READY FOR THIS TAGLINE?!?

He built one Ark to save us from the flood. The other to protect us from evil.

AN ARK TO PROTECT US FROM EVIL!

THAT! IS! AWESOME!

 “Status: Pumpt.”

But this is exactly why HuluRevu exists, ninjas. I watch these so you don’t have to. And you do not have to watch Monster Ark. Nobody should have to watch Monster Ark. People should not have acted in Monster Ark, directed Monster Ark, or written Monster Ark. The best boy should not have best boyed Monster Ark. The only thing that should have happened to Monster Ark is that Noah should have forgotten to caulk Monster Ark, so that it sank to the bottom of the sea (“Caulk?” OH, SHUT UP, PROFESSOR BOAT MASTER.)

The story does not, as you might expect, follow the misadventures of Noah as he seeks to follow God’s will to herd various prehistoric creatures into some sort of Monster Ark. That would have been awesome.

No, Monster Ark actually follow the non-adventures of Nicholas (Peter in White Collar!) an archeologist who discovers the last Dead Sea Scroll. I almost (almost) wish you could see how he discovers this stupid scroll. He’s on this archeological dig in the Qumran or whatever, and he’s looking at a map with his two grad students (haha, grad students. So much more about them in a minute) and he’s like, “nobody’s ever looked in THESE caves before!”  So they go and dig in those caves and after maybe two shovels of sand (archeology!) they find a secret chamber with a secret vase and it has Dead Sea Scroll in it. Boom.

Nice work, fellow archeologists!

And then he takes this stupid effing scroll to his ex-wife, because she is the only person in the whole world who can interpret ancient languages and that is just a fact. But he and her do not get along. Oh, it is so tense to watch them talk. Especially because she is a Christian now and he’s not. They are always fighting about how she is a Christian and he is not, like normal people do. Just very cool, very intelligent conversations they’re always having. No single issue can come up between them without someone being all like, “well, you’re just saying that because you’re an atheist.” And then the other one is like, “how can you believe in a loving God when so many people do terrible things in his name?” Good argument, Monster Ark! How CAN I believe in a loving God when YOU make this horrible movie in His name?

And make no mistake. Monster Ark is definitely made in God’s name (and somebody owes him an apology.) This movie really wants to be Mr. Cool Christian. Kirk Cameron has a signed poster of it on his wall, probably. Everybody becomes a Christian by the end. Oh, spoiler, btw. This movie ends with a Great Awakening. So great. The greatest?

So, Mr. Archeologist’s Dead Sea Scroll is actually the Book of Genesis, but with more “information.” It says that Noah built two arks, one to save the world, and one to contain a demon creature that could have destroyed the world. And, instead of calling this Book of Genesis a literary anomaly (I know a few archeological terms myself, LADIES), they decide to get out to Israel and find that other Ark! Classic Archeology! Classic normal plan! Fortunately, the Secret Book of Genesis has “coordinates” so they can find this “ark.” Bible Coordinates! In 2010! What a world!

When the Army finds out about this, they decide to go along. That just goes without saying. The “coordinates” (haha, coordinates) actually have very strong energy readings (haha, energy readings. Look, everything in this movie is hilarious, always.) The army guy tells the archeologists that the energy readings (haha) are so strong that it could be…are you ready for this, because this is exactly what he says…the energy readings are so strong that it could be “a secret bomb making facility.” A SECRET BOMB MAKING FACILITY!? 

But, no doy, the Army just ruins everything. They do get the ark, but some stuff happens, and it sets the very hilarious demon monster free. Some other stuff happens. And then they have to go find Noah’s magic staff (I know!) because it’s the only way to recapture the monster. And they have to recapture the monster otherwise it will be the end of the world for some reason that no one explains at all. But whatever! Noah’s magic staff or bust! THE GAME IS AFOOT, HILARIOUS MONSTER!

Oh man. This movie. Let’s just talk about the archeology for a second. Like, when they “dig” out the “treasure.” There’s this sealed tomb that has to be opened, and the head chief greatest archeologist in all the civilized world is about to open it, but the grad student stops them and is like, “wait, what if it releases dangerous poison spores? Remember what happened at King Tut’s tomb?” And everyone just praises her for being such a good grad student, as if she brought up some archaic and obscure archeological fact. And then they put stupid face masks on and open it and crisis averted. OH, VERY GOOD, GRAD STUDENT! A+++++++!!!!1 

Oh, and the grad student dresses in clothes that just nobody wears at all. She goes on all these archeological digs in bikinis and sports bras and miniskirts and it is very hot amazing stupid. I’d tell you more, but the Tomb Raider lawyers are here, wanting to ask me some questions.

YOU ARE POINTING YOUR GUN THE WRONG WAY, TOMB RAIDER. 

The other grad student is this fat guy. Comedy relief, I think. He is so fat! When he sits around the archeological site, HE REALLY SITS AROUND THE ARCHEO never mind. There is no need to finish that joke. I am not sure that he finishes any of his jokes. This movie needed no comic relief, anyway because the whole thing is TBS Very Funny, even though none of it is relieving.

And don’t even get me started on the whole faith verses science debate. Okay, maybe do get me started because what on earth? This archeologist guy is an atheist who only believes in FACTS, but he is still going on this mission to find Noah’s Monster Ark? And he doesn’t believe in God but he will fly around the world because of Bible Coordinates? And when he finds what he was looking for he doesn’t believe it because there is no such thing as God but then he goes and looks for Noah’s MAGIC STAFF? Is this real life? What complex inner turmoil his belief system is enduring! What an interesting dichotomy of character! WHO WROTE THIS MOVIE, ERNEST HEMINGWAY?!?

Go get it, Ernest Hemingway. Our hopes and prayers are with you. Make sure you shoot to kill, and go right for this guy, the director. Because his next project is something called Sharktopus.

The Dragon Hunter

Since everyone in Hollywood is so busy posing for their marble statues, drinking white wine out of pearl goblets, and filling their home swimming pools with the blood of the less fortunate, it is really not surprising to me that they don’t have time to think up of fresh, original, creative ideas for movies. I mean, there are only 3 work hours in an average Hollywood day, and you can’t expect those all to be filled thinking up of more work for them to do. You guys must just think new ideas grow on trees, and you all think like crazy people, you know that?

But, every now and then, even I can be surprised by the lack of anything new in movies. Some movies are so tired, so lazy, so brain-moldingly stupid, that they actually call into question the very nature of creativity, call to mind the general meaninglessness of life, and call humanity’s bluff on our own bid as the crown of creation. Dragon Hunter is such a movie.

Our quest for meaning reaches its dead end

Dragon Hunter, you guys.


Okay, there’s this guy Darius whose whole family was murdered by orcs (“orcs!” Just very cool, very original name) except for his little brother, Kendrick. And now Darius is soooo overprotective, he won’t even let poor Kendrick go save their village from a dragon (oh, Darius! Oh, big brothers! Oh, dragons!) I mean, I think it’s a dragon. For a movie called Dragon Hunter, this movie sure doesn’t show many dragons. But whatever. “Tell, don’t show” – that is the first rule of writing. Anyway, Darius and Kendrick run away to the west, even though it’s very dangerous in the west.

They run into a…hunting party? Or something? A group of people. First they all fight and don’t trust each other, but then they realize that they have to trust each other. The group of people decides to go with Darius and Kendrick to some castle I think so that Darius can train or something, because he is the dragon hunter I guess. Look, guys, the movie doesn’t really ever tell you what’s doing on (“show, don’t tell!” is the second rule of writing) so let’s not get hung up on details. They fight off some orcs (Haaaaa.) They stop in a little village made of tents because that is the village where the group of people are from. There, they find out that when dragons attack you, they actually rip you open and put a baby dragon inside of you and “seal the opening with flame” and then the dragon grows inside of you until it bursts outside of your stomach (very cool, very original thing for a monster to do.)

Well, Mr. Smarty-Pants Hulu Blog Reader, why don’t you come up with an original way for creatures to be born since you’re so smart?

There is a good guy village wizard, but he is actually a bad guy who paints pentagrams on his tent floor. But they keep moving on. There’s nothing else to do. It seems dangerous. “One does not simply walk into Mordor,” says one of the guys, probably. But they make it. They get to the castle where Darius is supposed to train to be a Dragon Hunter. But Darius reveals that it’s actually Kendrick, not him, who is the Dragon Hunter! Oh, spoiler, BTW. This whole time we don’t know at all what a Dragon Hunter is or who it is, but we were supposed to think that it was Darius except that it is actually KENDRICK!

THE STAGE FOR THE LEGENDARY FINAL BATTLE FOR SOME ALLEGED DRAGON IS SET! THE WORLD IS AFLAME WITH EQUAL PARTS FEAR AND HOPE! THERE ARE ABOUT SEVEN MINUTES LEFT IN THE MOVIE NOW!

Okay, on Hulu’s own fan review page (cool page!) there is a lot of talk about Kelly Stables’ role in this movie. I didn’t know who Kelly Stables was then anymore than you do now, but everyone just praised her charm, charisma, and talent. So I was pretty excited! And now, having seen Lord of the Dragon Hunter: Fellowship of the Dragon Hunters, I’m not exactly sure what people mean by “charm,” “charisma,” and “talent,” but if they mean “having a face,” then I agree! Kelly Stables is very good at having a face! She is one of the better people at having a face out there.

I know, right?

I guess she’s in “Two and a Half Men,” which I’ve never seen, but someone who has seen it should definitely have told me about Kelly Stables’ face. Leave it to the Two and a Half Men-heads to try to keep a pretty face to themselves. Now, other than Kelly Stables’ face, things in this movie are a little HORRIBLE.

Like, in the hunting party or whatever. There is this one guy named Olick. He is the only black person in the movie (in the world?) and he is a mute half-monster who cannot be trusted because of his fits of murderous rage. I would tell you more, but I can’t risk another run in with the Race Police.

“Go to jail, Dragon Hunter.” –Race Police

And then, there’s just this “plot.” It is so awful, you don’t even know. They just wander around the forest, aimlessly – not doing anything. I mean, you think there’d be fighting or something, but there just isn’t. There is one fight, I think, but the camera shakes so much that it could literally have been the end credits and I wouldn’t have been able to tell.

Things get a little interesting when the wizard turns out to be a bad guy! It’s all like, “whhaaaa?” because he uses a baby dragon fetus to make this spell where he drinks a potion that “MAKES ME INTO A GOD!” Alright! Now we’re talking! This sounds so great! But a dragon (I think. “Tell, don’t show.”) eats both him and the only possibility for intrigue in this entire movie about seven seconds after this subplot develops. So BACK TO THE DRAGON BOARD, PLOTLINE, Dragon Hunters of the Rings: The Dragon Towers.

And then when it’s time to “train” Kendrick, it is SO WEIRD! It’s a montage of just very basic, very normal dragon-killing skills. They teach him how to sword fight, in case the dragon has a sword I guess! They teach him to throw daggers, in case the dragon is wearing a dart board probably! They make him run these stairs because cardio is just important no matter what you’re hunting. And, then he is so ready to fight this dragon because of course he is.

And then there’s the lack of dragons. You are called Dragon Hunter, you idiot. If your budget doesn’t allow for a fancy-schmancy CGI dragon, then maybe you should make a movie called, I don’t know, Bounty Hunter or something. Ask this guy:

Pictured: More dragons than are in Dragon Hunter.

Ugh. And do you see what I mean about the lack of new ideas? Orcs? Training montages? Monsters bursting from stomachs? (And don’t even get me STARTED on the elf princess who is forbidden to marry men even though she’s in love with one and knows which plants to put on what wounds to make them all better.) They couldn’t even think up an original name! I mean, it’s like this part in some other movie that nobody's ever heard of where some guy dies.

Pictured: ???

Lord of the Dragon Hunter Rings: Return of King Dragon Hunter is like this, except instead of random strangers (whatever, weird derivative movie that nobody's ever heard of) it is thoughtfulness that is falling into shadows. Fly, you fools. 

Dragon Hunter is so easily the least original movie I’ve ever seen in my life…at least until that SEQUEL COMES OUT.

P.S. Of course, the BIG NEWS for HuluRevu this week, is that Captain America, a film which I revued three weeks ago, is being re-booted! With Chris Evans filling the HUGE BOOTS of Matt Sallinger's LEGENDARY role, while Hugo Weaving is the Red Skull or whatever. Ah me, this life. Too much sometimes. Full speed ahead, Hollywood. Clear minds. Full hearts.

The Spree

We soldier on. There is nothing else to do. The canon of Hulu movies stretches on before us like the cold, ash-covered highway. Our shaking hands grip the push bar of our shopping cart, shoving it through mile after mile of the barren hellscape. Does the coast even exist, or was it all a dream? We walk on. “Do we still carry the fire?” the boy asks. “Shut up,” we answer. “Just shut up.”

I watched The Spree last week. It is a movie starring Jennifer Beals and Powers Boothe. If you want to know why there is a man named “Powers” in the world, then it is because the world is a sad and confusing bastion of mysteries, in which cruelty is a virtue, stupidity is rewarded, and groups of adults pool their collective intellectual and creative resources in order to manufacture the basest, stupidest, most illogical creation of our time.

 Pictured: The Internet's sole media file of anything related to The Spree

The Spree is about this woman named Xinia (I know) who is a famous cat burglar (of course) but falls in lust with a detective (such is life) and they try to sort out their erotic (I guess?) yet treacherous (supposedly) relationship. It is rated R for Worst.

Okay. Real talk. This movie is an erotic thriller. You just have to let some things slide in erotic thrillers. Like a horrible, porno-esque soundtrack. Why shouldn’t an erotic thriller have a horrible, porno-esque soundtrack? Would you ask the sun to stop shining a horrible, porno-esque soundtrack?

But, you’ve got draw the erotic line somewhere. If you, The Spree, are going to be an erotic thriller, then you’d better get the erotic part right. But you can’t even do that, you idiot, which is why you lose every game I can think of playing. Jennifer Beals (Alex from Flashdance!) hooks up with POWERS BOOTHE! Who is Powers Boothe? Let’s find out together, like a family.

He is the voice of this guy!

He had a role in Sin City!

And he voiced this thing!

Oh. You might have seen him in this year’s hit TV show, 24 Jack Bauer Lane – which is a show that people watch. 

 A gentleman’s career, you guys. He is probably also going to star as himself in the highly anticipated upcoming documentary Powers Boothe: ZERO REGRETS. The point is, Powers Boothe was born in 1948. No big deal. Lots of guys were born in 1948! Like, my grandpa! So, when Xinia looks like this

And Powers Boothe looks like this

then it sort of stretches this movie's "plot." I mean, he literally just walks into a bar and they STARE at each other with great STARING POWER and the sexual tension is so thick you can cut it with a fastforward button and we’re supposed to believe that this is just one of those things that happens and this is how sex works and I’m trying to set Hulu on fire with a GUN because everything is so terrible and I just don’t believe that life is like this because, actually, it’s complicated so you’ll have to take my word for it when I say that this makes Captain America look like Mr. Schindler’s List.

So anyway. She’s a cat burglar. At a bar. And she asks him to dance. And he says, “I don’t dance.” And she says, “I don’t trust a man who doesn’t dance.” And he says, “Who said you were supposed to trust me.” And I say, “I HATE YOU BOTH SO MUCH.”

So she asks what he does for a living (the lonely, single, normal conversation piece in this entire movie) and he says, “I’m a snake wrangler.” And she says something like, “oh, that’s cool.” Which is not what women say when they meet men in bars who say that they’re snake wranglers. No, my friends. They is not what they say at all.

So, they have this unbearable sexual tension. Just off the charts. So much so that she breaks into his house (certainly) and when he finds her there he’s just like, “so, you broke into my house, like a regular person would” or something like that. And she says, “do you like people or snakes better?” And he says, “depends on the day.” And I say, “WE ARE YOUR SITTING DUCKS, 2012!!!” So they have sex. Of course. Very normal. And I’d allow that (erotic thriller) except they have sex like nobody ever the history of the world has ever had sex.

Like, I don’t want to get into details about whose Powers goes into whose Beals (yuck) but I will tell you that the things they do are just not things that anyone does at all.

Gifs at Giftube.com  

Seriously. The Spree should be used as curriculum for sexual abstinence education. Because kids who see it will forever associate sex with HORRIBLE.

I know that I made a promise about watching every Hulu movie, and I am a man of my word. But, there is a hierarchy of needs here, you guys. I do not want my honeymoon night (“Gross.” “Sorry!”) to begin and end with me running, screaming from the Hotel 8 that my One True Love and I will rent. I stopped the movie during the libido-warping sex scene because I have to collect and store whatever dribbling bits of sanity are left in my mind for NEXT WEEK!

NEXT WEEK: DRAGON HUNTER

P.S. Also, because no man is an island, do me a solid and suggest some Hulu movies you find in your web browsing for me to watch, so that you don't have to. That is how this works.

 

The Last Warrior

You know, The Last Warrior really had me with that trailer. I mean, did you hear that guy? “Yoo are not een charge,” says the bad guy. “In about seven minutes,” says the Last Warrior, “I will be.” “Oooooh!” I was thinking, “What a CHILLING seven minutes that must be!” Seemed promising. I was pretty excited! Plus, as the trailer reminds you so many times, it stars no less than Hollywood Heavyweight Dolph Lundgren! (Huh?) You know, DOLPH LUNDGREN! Just kidding. You don’t know. He is literally the least famous person in the world. Why they chose him to star in this movie (and why he agreed) are just one of the many questions The Last Warrior raises. Because, despite that EXCELLENT trailer, The Last Warrior is easily the worst movie so far in the Hulu Revu canon.

                                                                                    Pictured: The Last Brain Cell

                                 
The Last Warrior derives its title from I have no idea. I think that Dolph Lundgren is the last warrior, but he doesn’t do any fighting or anything, so it’s just not a great name for a movie (rare miss, Hollywood!) At any rate, Dolph Lundgren is definitely a U.S. Marine who is in California when an earthquake hits so hard that California breaks off from the rest of the country and is just floating around the ocean, stranded – a barren, post-apocalyptic hellscape (“that is what earthquakes do.” – The Last Warrior’s meteorological consultants.)
And Dolph Lundgren sort of gets this ragtag band of survivors around him. Normal people just like you and me. That’s probably the best thing about this movie: how easy it is to relate to the characters. They behave like anyone would in traumatic circumstances. If anything, this plot is a little TOO realistic.

It all starts off with this long, long, long opening monologue from Dolph Lundgren about just how bad life is in the twenty-first century. He just talks and talks about how miserable everything is getting (Agreed, Dolph Lundgren, but you are not helping) and it’s supposed to be very witty and clever but it just keeps going and all you hear is blah, blah, blah. And when the earthquake hits it’s just like, “we got what we all deserved.”

So, he and this band of survivors are just camping out in this military junkyard where all the old military weapons are stored (Oh, military! Always leaving old weapons out lying around!) Survivors are like, “where are we going?” And Dolph Lundgren says “east” like the word “east” holds the key to all meaning in the universe. But the sexy(?) and empowered(??) Lieutenant Sarah, wants to find her helicopter pilot(???) who she thinks is not east, but west (????) and we find out later the pilot is actually her brother. Oops, sorry, that was a SPOILER. She doesn’t tell anyone that the pilot was her brother until late in the movie, for some reason. Like she moans and moans about how they need to go find her pilot and everyone’s like, “shut up, Lieutenant Sarah, we’re going EAST.” And she gets really quiet but then, towards the end, she breaks down and confesses to Dolph Lundgren that (SPOILER) THE PILOT IS HER BROTHER!

There is a bad guy in this movie named Jesus. He’s leading this group of prisoners but he’s also manufacturing mutant milk that makes your skin boil if you drink it. Look, that is the plot of the movie and if you have a problem with it, talk to Dolph Lundgren.They really didn't explain things anymore then that. Maybe they'll tie up the VERY FEW loose ends in the much anticipated sequel, The VERY Last Warrior.

Guys, absolutely nothing happens at all in this entire movie. Like, what, was this the first movie ever made? Had anyone here ever actually SEEN a MOVIE before? It seems like an experiment. I can imagine everyone just standing around, trying to figure out what to do next. “Well, I think you guys should just talk a little more. Like normal people would.” “What should we say?” “Up to you. ACTION!”

Like, there comes a part where Dolph Lundgren is fighting with Lieutenant Sarah and she says, “you are just like this because you lost your memory!” And Dolph Lundgren stops “fighting” and stares with GREAT STARING POWER because he knows she is right. But we don’t know she is right, because he seems to remember everything just fine, and the movie never again revisits the memory loss subplot. It is just one of those things that happens, like everything else in this movie. Oh wait – nothing happens at all in this entire movie.

And then there is the part with Candy, the other hot girl, and she is taking a shower (even though they can’t find water. Whatever.) and then she hears dogs barking and she absolutely FLIPS OUT and runs out of the shower screaming like she is on FIRE and the second-in-command guy chases her and catches her. Then he just holds her and tells her it will all be alright and she is all, “you saved my life.” Classic Candy! Classic girl thing to do!

Do she and the second-in-command guy get together? You’ll just have to watch and find out for yourself!

The worst thing about this movie is everything. The OTHER worst thing about this movie is that it has forty (40!) percent positive reviews on Rotten Tomatoes. FORTY PERCENT!

A nice try.
- Luis Martinez of Cineganos Magazine.

A nice try! So nice! The nicest?

Enough fun to make the 90 minutes just fly by.
-Christopher Noll of Filmcritic.com

Enough fun, you say? If anything, it was TOO much fun!

Good job, Rotten Tomatoes. Good job, Dolph Lundgren. Good job, The Last Warrior. You made me wish that you were The Last Movie that I ever see.