Sniper 2

Fun fact! While I was enjoying (not enjoying) the latest entry in the Hulu Review canon, one of the commercials happened to be a preview for some sort of documentary being made about Jay-Z. And that got me thinking about Jay-Z. What a guy! I mean, I don’t mean to sound like Professor Hip-Hop over here, but you get the sense that while Kanye and Lil Wayne are busy trying to make you think that they’re the top dawg (rapping terms up in here. Ya’ll know it.) Jay-Z is just out there being that dawg (Fly homies be tripping over my dope rhymes, yo. Boots with the fur. I have no idea what I’m talking about.) Anyway, Jay-Z just leaves a trail of creativity everywhere he goes, blazing paths of endlessly innovative wordplay and beats that get into your guts and beat them to pieces, all while displaying an uncanny entrepreneurial savvy and marrying Beyonce and all. Jay-Z. Patriot. Hero.

And what was so ironic about all this is that while I was musing about one of the most creative and talented people in the entertainment industry, I was watching Sniper 2.

“This movie is so wack.”

–        Jay-Z, probably

Sniper 2, you guys

Alright! Sequels! All our old pals! I mean, I haven’t exactly seen Sniper 1 all the way through (or at all.) I WISH I HAD! Would have enhanced my movie watching experience so much, probably! According to Rotten Tomatoes, Sniper 2 “sorely lacks the character moments of the first.” Oh well. Tough break. Things happen that way sometimes. Probably after the EXPLOSIVE success of Sniper 1, Hollywood just rushed that sequel – without taking the time to ensure that it retained the original depth and charm of the original while still exploring provocative new frontiers in the multi-faceted and emotionally resonant world of SNIPER-ING. In any case, Sniper 2 definitely lacked character moments. And plot! And basic understanding of movies. But what it lacks in all that, it more than makes up for in making me want to chop off my own head!  

Sniper 2 follows the exciting adventures of Thomas Beckett, the world’s greatest sniper. He’s so good that the CIA finds him after he retires and recruits him for one last mission. At first he says ‘no.’ He’s getting too old for this! And why would they want him? Because he’s the only one who can, of course. Besides, if he accepts, the CIA has been authorized to give him “anything you want.” Anything he wants!

I, personally, would probably ask to, say, never have to pay parking meters again or for Google stock or something. But Thomas Beckett, the world’s greatest sniper, asks to be a Marine Sergeant. Of course. “You wouldn’t understand,” he says to the CIA. Well, that is because it is insane, Thomas Beckett. Maybe one of the character moments in the first one sets up this Sergeant thing, but whatever. They make him a sergeant. Some other stuff happens. They bring in this guy to help out. His name in the movie is Jake Cole, but I definitely prefer his real name, Bokeem Woodbine.

“But my friends call me 'Mr. Cool Jacket.'” - Bokeem

He’s in jail because he shot and killed a federal marshal or something. But he’s just so good at his job (“How could you call yourself good at killing people?” asks one of the people in this movie. Ooooh! Interesting moral conundrum! Moving on!) so they let him out of jail and off death row to help Thomas Beckett be a sniper. Good thinking. Isn’t it nice when plans just start coming together and MAKING SENSE?  "It’s finally starting to look like a real sniper mission!" – Bokeem Woodbine and Thomas Beckett

Some stuff happens. Bokeem Woodbine is like, “I hope we can find time to see some the Byzantine architecture where we’re going.” And Thomas Beckett says, “we’ve got to stay focused on the mission.” Oh man. Thomas Beckett is always focused on the mission, and telling everyone else to stay focused. So they are all so focused on the mission, it’s just crazy. Thomas Beckett has literally one expression on his face the entire movie, and that expression is “MISSION.”

"I've never held a gun before."

They meet their contact in a church, where they have this secret whispering session in the pews, and it is just hilarious. They are whispering all their plans from MANY CHURCH PEWS APART from each other. Their contact is this girl.

 YOWZERS! They’d like to contact her, if you know what I mean! (I don’t even know what I mean.) “We thought you’d be older,” they say. “Nobody gets old in this business,” she says, with great staring power. And that is hilarious, because Thomas Beckett was born in, like, 1912. He’s always calling people “son” and “sport” or whatever, just like old people do. Snipers! They’re just like us.

He also says, “scrabble the choppers!” just so many times. Are these army words? I doubt it. I, personally, have played Modern Warfare on my friends’ PS3 before, and nobody has ever said “scrabble the choppers” at all. “What an interesting, thoughtful story.” –You

So, they go on this mission. And Bokeem gets arrested and tortured. But it turns out it’s all part of the plan, which everyone knew about except for Thomas Beckett. Oh, SPOILER ALERT, BTW. The whole mission was just a set up to get Bokeem arrested and tortured so that they can…break him out? Along with another prisoner? I don’t know. I’m not positive anyone does. Was this in the first movie? I need a Sniper 1-head to fill me in. But I will say, there are plenty of EXPLOSIONS!

They are just so exciting hilarious. The best part is where the street trolley in this un-named Eastern European country BARRELS through police cars and Jeeps at what looks like about 0.05 miles per hour (kilometers? Army talk! SCRABBLE THE TROLLEYS!) and the jeeps make an explosion that can best be described as “unreasonable.”)

Science? Where we’re going, we don’t need science.

And Thomas Beckett is going blind, by the way. It’s a subplot that actually could be sort of interesting, but it comes to absolutely nothing. They hint at it, but, then that just falls off the map. Along with Bokeem’s burgeoning relationship with the “contact.” The motor gets going, and then she’s like “I’m leaving!” And they’re like “bye!” And that’s it. Bokeem tells Thomas Beckett to “stay on the mission.” And Beckett is like, “more like remission, because government and conspiracy” or something. And then he goes on and on about some make-believe nonsense moral and all I hear is blah, blah, blah. Ugh. I hated this movie so much. Let’s take a break and watch a Jay-Z music video.

Thanks, Jay-Z. Shining light in a dark world, right? Anyway, the most entertaining part of this movie was definitely the Hulu Viewer Comments Page (cool page! Very Web 2.0) where virtually every comment pointed out some inconsistencies in the Sniper 2 plot that I hadn’t noticed.

Ralph Klausen points out that…

The .338 lapua will not reasonably shoot 1.5 miles (2640yards). It would take around 5.5 seconds and drop around 125 yards(about 2.6 degrees low). There has only been 1 confirmed kill past 1.5 miles @ 1.51 miles by the McMillan Tac-50 which was about 3.9 seconds and 50 yard drop. The closest to that was only 2347yards with the Browning M2, both .50bmg rounds. Only rounds that will reasonably shoot 1.5 miles are the 50bmg, the .408 chey tac, and the .416 barrett. Theoretically a .416 weatherby could too if loaded with .416 barrett bullets or some other with a ridiculous bc.

Good point, Ralph! Although, in Sniper 2’s defense, the MISSION is supposed to be “off-the-record” so your “1 confirmed kill” only substantiates my sneaking suspicion that all is not as it seems in the world of snipering.

Also, Colton Lynn noticed that,

cardinal sin of anyone using a rifle, he called a mosin-nagant m1891/1930 a mouser. Two very different rifles from very different armies. not that you couldnt have done the same with either weapon

Of course! Haha! Classic mistake. Granted, you definitely could have done the same with either weapon. I will concede that, but COME ON, COLTON! If we let this slide, where does it end? Knowing which rifles are called “mousers” is what separates man from beast, right? (“Fo sho.” – Jay-Z.)

This movie just so bad. It is amazing that it was full of guns and explosions, but I was still bored enough to wonder if 2012 was coming anytime soon (“Scrabble the 2012’s!” –me) It is amazing that anybody thought this was just something that should be done. It is amazing (so amazing) that there is a Sniper 3 (THREE! They didn’t even make three DRAGON HUNTERS! [Yet!]) I don’t know anymore. What do you say, Jay-Z?

Word.