Solarbabies

I’ve always had a thing for post-apocalyptic stuff. Probably because of my extremely realistic take on life. My understanding of our current climate, plagued as we are with unstoppable oil geysers and unwinnable wars, suggests that we are careening towards the apocalypse at breakneck speed, wildly out of control, our fates in the hands of the wicked and powerful. We live on the razor’s edge, because there is no other way to live. And once the inevitable apocalypse comes, we will be bombed into a hell of our own making– pushing our grocery carts through the ash-laden highways of burned America, with only our dissipating memories of former days to keep us company.

These guys know. They’re the Solarbabies.

Pictured: a group of young people who willingly and with full mental faculties, signed on to a movie apparently aware that they would be asked to portray something called “Solarbabies.”

Solarbabies, you guys.

 

Solarbabies is a 1986 movie starring who cares. It takes a place in a post apocalyptic future where something called The Protectorate is in charge of all the water, so there is no water anywhere. Also, this happens.

 

Roller skates! In the future! FUTURE ROLLERSKATES?!? Radical! Post-apocalyptic? More like POST-AWESOMPTALYPTIC, am I right? (I am not right.) Anyhow, it is not all fun and games in Solarbaby land which is either in the distant future or another planet altogether – the movie was never very clear on that point. It was not very clear on any point. The movie really trusted that I would be able to figure it out on my own (“show, don’t tell”) but I spent a good half the movie with one look on my face.

Pictured: My face, LADIES.

All children are forced to go to an orphanage where they’re forced to rollerskate everywhere, and forced to learn and play this skating sport hockey/lacrosse thing for some reason that is literally never explained whatsoever at all, period, amen. There are different teams and our heroes call themselves the Solarbabies (“because when you’re as good as they are, you don’t need a menacing name.” Oh, that is such a good line from the movie. It was probably RIPPED from a production meeting.

1: Do you think we should pick a name that doesn’t sound like the name of Anne Gedde’s memoirs?

2: I don’t know what a memoir is, because I’m a complete idiot, but I’ll tell you right now that when your movie is this good, you don’t need a good name. MOVIE NAMING MEETING, ADJOURNED!)

But then, Richard (“The Pin” in Brick! When he was just a little guy!) finds Bodai. It’s this glowing volleyball thing that cures his deafness and makes it fake rain indoors and everyone just falls in love with this little glowing ball that has no apparent personality whatsoever.

A boy and his best effing friend, I guess.

But when Bodai goes missing, the Solarbabies runaway  SKATEaway from the orphanage in broad daylight out the front door pursued by no one at all and go on a quest to find it. And what an adventure it is! So great! The greatest adventure, for sure.

This happens.

Some stuff happens. A bird dies and they all cry and have to bury it before they can move on. One of the guys finds a beer in an abandoned cave and drinks it. And when the bad guy hits on the Solarbaby girl, she says, “away from me, you filth!” YEOW! That’s a spicy meat-a-ball! Also, they meet this guy who looks like Jesus and owns a glacier (“it’s called ice.”) They continue to refer to themselves as Solarbabies the whole entire time. They skate everywhere, in the desert. Bodai is captured and tortured in a scene that is very heartbreaking hilarious. Eventually, the Protectorate dam breaks and all the water spills out, which creates a thunderstorm (“that is what dam breaks do.” – Solarbabies’ marine experts.)

Guys, I seriously have not had this much fun watching a movie in a long time. There is no reason for you to not watch it right now. I won’t ruin anything for you, but the Solarbabies save the future world in ways that can only be described as “roller-skate-based.” The part where this happens:

Is the funniest scene I have seen in any movie this year. Except for maybe the climactic finish in which Bodai actually kills the villains in wildly and dramatically horrific ways.

Pictured: A scene from a movie about roller skating

 You swim with Bodi, you get wet with FIRE. We finish, not with the US poster, which is hilarious, or with my own fan-made poster. But with the Spanish poster – which some courageous soul actually painted and did an remarkable job of making this movie look awesome.

 Pictured: So, so many things that just don't happen at all in Solarbabies.

For those of you who no habla, the tagline at the top says: “Sometimes, I hate my job...lots!”

Solarbaby Painter: brave soldier in the war against truth-in-advertising.