The Dragon Hunter

Since everyone in Hollywood is so busy posing for their marble statues, drinking white wine out of pearl goblets, and filling their home swimming pools with the blood of the less fortunate, it is really not surprising to me that they don’t have time to think up of fresh, original, creative ideas for movies. I mean, there are only 3 work hours in an average Hollywood day, and you can’t expect those all to be filled thinking up of more work for them to do. You guys must just think new ideas grow on trees, and you all think like crazy people, you know that?

But, every now and then, even I can be surprised by the lack of anything new in movies. Some movies are so tired, so lazy, so brain-moldingly stupid, that they actually call into question the very nature of creativity, call to mind the general meaninglessness of life, and call humanity’s bluff on our own bid as the crown of creation. Dragon Hunter is such a movie.

Our quest for meaning reaches its dead end

Dragon Hunter, you guys.


Okay, there’s this guy Darius whose whole family was murdered by orcs (“orcs!” Just very cool, very original name) except for his little brother, Kendrick. And now Darius is soooo overprotective, he won’t even let poor Kendrick go save their village from a dragon (oh, Darius! Oh, big brothers! Oh, dragons!) I mean, I think it’s a dragon. For a movie called Dragon Hunter, this movie sure doesn’t show many dragons. But whatever. “Tell, don’t show” – that is the first rule of writing. Anyway, Darius and Kendrick run away to the west, even though it’s very dangerous in the west.

They run into a…hunting party? Or something? A group of people. First they all fight and don’t trust each other, but then they realize that they have to trust each other. The group of people decides to go with Darius and Kendrick to some castle I think so that Darius can train or something, because he is the dragon hunter I guess. Look, guys, the movie doesn’t really ever tell you what’s doing on (“show, don’t tell!” is the second rule of writing) so let’s not get hung up on details. They fight off some orcs (Haaaaa.) They stop in a little village made of tents because that is the village where the group of people are from. There, they find out that when dragons attack you, they actually rip you open and put a baby dragon inside of you and “seal the opening with flame” and then the dragon grows inside of you until it bursts outside of your stomach (very cool, very original thing for a monster to do.)

Well, Mr. Smarty-Pants Hulu Blog Reader, why don’t you come up with an original way for creatures to be born since you’re so smart?

There is a good guy village wizard, but he is actually a bad guy who paints pentagrams on his tent floor. But they keep moving on. There’s nothing else to do. It seems dangerous. “One does not simply walk into Mordor,” says one of the guys, probably. But they make it. They get to the castle where Darius is supposed to train to be a Dragon Hunter. But Darius reveals that it’s actually Kendrick, not him, who is the Dragon Hunter! Oh, spoiler, BTW. This whole time we don’t know at all what a Dragon Hunter is or who it is, but we were supposed to think that it was Darius except that it is actually KENDRICK!

THE STAGE FOR THE LEGENDARY FINAL BATTLE FOR SOME ALLEGED DRAGON IS SET! THE WORLD IS AFLAME WITH EQUAL PARTS FEAR AND HOPE! THERE ARE ABOUT SEVEN MINUTES LEFT IN THE MOVIE NOW!

Okay, on Hulu’s own fan review page (cool page!) there is a lot of talk about Kelly Stables’ role in this movie. I didn’t know who Kelly Stables was then anymore than you do now, but everyone just praised her charm, charisma, and talent. So I was pretty excited! And now, having seen Lord of the Dragon Hunter: Fellowship of the Dragon Hunters, I’m not exactly sure what people mean by “charm,” “charisma,” and “talent,” but if they mean “having a face,” then I agree! Kelly Stables is very good at having a face! She is one of the better people at having a face out there.

I know, right?

I guess she’s in “Two and a Half Men,” which I’ve never seen, but someone who has seen it should definitely have told me about Kelly Stables’ face. Leave it to the Two and a Half Men-heads to try to keep a pretty face to themselves. Now, other than Kelly Stables’ face, things in this movie are a little HORRIBLE.

Like, in the hunting party or whatever. There is this one guy named Olick. He is the only black person in the movie (in the world?) and he is a mute half-monster who cannot be trusted because of his fits of murderous rage. I would tell you more, but I can’t risk another run in with the Race Police.

“Go to jail, Dragon Hunter.” –Race Police

And then, there’s just this “plot.” It is so awful, you don’t even know. They just wander around the forest, aimlessly – not doing anything. I mean, you think there’d be fighting or something, but there just isn’t. There is one fight, I think, but the camera shakes so much that it could literally have been the end credits and I wouldn’t have been able to tell.

Things get a little interesting when the wizard turns out to be a bad guy! It’s all like, “whhaaaa?” because he uses a baby dragon fetus to make this spell where he drinks a potion that “MAKES ME INTO A GOD!” Alright! Now we’re talking! This sounds so great! But a dragon (I think. “Tell, don’t show.”) eats both him and the only possibility for intrigue in this entire movie about seven seconds after this subplot develops. So BACK TO THE DRAGON BOARD, PLOTLINE, Dragon Hunters of the Rings: The Dragon Towers.

And then when it’s time to “train” Kendrick, it is SO WEIRD! It’s a montage of just very basic, very normal dragon-killing skills. They teach him how to sword fight, in case the dragon has a sword I guess! They teach him to throw daggers, in case the dragon is wearing a dart board probably! They make him run these stairs because cardio is just important no matter what you’re hunting. And, then he is so ready to fight this dragon because of course he is.

And then there’s the lack of dragons. You are called Dragon Hunter, you idiot. If your budget doesn’t allow for a fancy-schmancy CGI dragon, then maybe you should make a movie called, I don’t know, Bounty Hunter or something. Ask this guy:

Pictured: More dragons than are in Dragon Hunter.

Ugh. And do you see what I mean about the lack of new ideas? Orcs? Training montages? Monsters bursting from stomachs? (And don’t even get me STARTED on the elf princess who is forbidden to marry men even though she’s in love with one and knows which plants to put on what wounds to make them all better.) They couldn’t even think up an original name! I mean, it’s like this part in some other movie that nobody's ever heard of where some guy dies.

Pictured: ???

Lord of the Dragon Hunter Rings: Return of King Dragon Hunter is like this, except instead of random strangers (whatever, weird derivative movie that nobody's ever heard of) it is thoughtfulness that is falling into shadows. Fly, you fools. 

Dragon Hunter is so easily the least original movie I’ve ever seen in my life…at least until that SEQUEL COMES OUT.

P.S. Of course, the BIG NEWS for HuluRevu this week, is that Captain America, a film which I revued three weeks ago, is being re-booted! With Chris Evans filling the HUGE BOOTS of Matt Sallinger's LEGENDARY role, while Hugo Weaving is the Red Skull or whatever. Ah me, this life. Too much sometimes. Full speed ahead, Hollywood. Clear minds. Full hearts.