The Last Warrior

You know, The Last Warrior really had me with that trailer. I mean, did you hear that guy? “Yoo are not een charge,” says the bad guy. “In about seven minutes,” says the Last Warrior, “I will be.” “Oooooh!” I was thinking, “What a CHILLING seven minutes that must be!” Seemed promising. I was pretty excited! Plus, as the trailer reminds you so many times, it stars no less than Hollywood Heavyweight Dolph Lundgren! (Huh?) You know, DOLPH LUNDGREN! Just kidding. You don’t know. He is literally the least famous person in the world. Why they chose him to star in this movie (and why he agreed) are just one of the many questions The Last Warrior raises. Because, despite that EXCELLENT trailer, The Last Warrior is easily the worst movie so far in the Hulu Revu canon.

                                                                                    Pictured: The Last Brain Cell

                                 
The Last Warrior derives its title from I have no idea. I think that Dolph Lundgren is the last warrior, but he doesn’t do any fighting or anything, so it’s just not a great name for a movie (rare miss, Hollywood!) At any rate, Dolph Lundgren is definitely a U.S. Marine who is in California when an earthquake hits so hard that California breaks off from the rest of the country and is just floating around the ocean, stranded – a barren, post-apocalyptic hellscape (“that is what earthquakes do.” – The Last Warrior’s meteorological consultants.)
And Dolph Lundgren sort of gets this ragtag band of survivors around him. Normal people just like you and me. That’s probably the best thing about this movie: how easy it is to relate to the characters. They behave like anyone would in traumatic circumstances. If anything, this plot is a little TOO realistic.

It all starts off with this long, long, long opening monologue from Dolph Lundgren about just how bad life is in the twenty-first century. He just talks and talks about how miserable everything is getting (Agreed, Dolph Lundgren, but you are not helping) and it’s supposed to be very witty and clever but it just keeps going and all you hear is blah, blah, blah. And when the earthquake hits it’s just like, “we got what we all deserved.”

So, he and this band of survivors are just camping out in this military junkyard where all the old military weapons are stored (Oh, military! Always leaving old weapons out lying around!) Survivors are like, “where are we going?” And Dolph Lundgren says “east” like the word “east” holds the key to all meaning in the universe. But the sexy(?) and empowered(??) Lieutenant Sarah, wants to find her helicopter pilot(???) who she thinks is not east, but west (????) and we find out later the pilot is actually her brother. Oops, sorry, that was a SPOILER. She doesn’t tell anyone that the pilot was her brother until late in the movie, for some reason. Like she moans and moans about how they need to go find her pilot and everyone’s like, “shut up, Lieutenant Sarah, we’re going EAST.” And she gets really quiet but then, towards the end, she breaks down and confesses to Dolph Lundgren that (SPOILER) THE PILOT IS HER BROTHER!

There is a bad guy in this movie named Jesus. He’s leading this group of prisoners but he’s also manufacturing mutant milk that makes your skin boil if you drink it. Look, that is the plot of the movie and if you have a problem with it, talk to Dolph Lundgren.They really didn't explain things anymore then that. Maybe they'll tie up the VERY FEW loose ends in the much anticipated sequel, The VERY Last Warrior.

Guys, absolutely nothing happens at all in this entire movie. Like, what, was this the first movie ever made? Had anyone here ever actually SEEN a MOVIE before? It seems like an experiment. I can imagine everyone just standing around, trying to figure out what to do next. “Well, I think you guys should just talk a little more. Like normal people would.” “What should we say?” “Up to you. ACTION!”

Like, there comes a part where Dolph Lundgren is fighting with Lieutenant Sarah and she says, “you are just like this because you lost your memory!” And Dolph Lundgren stops “fighting” and stares with GREAT STARING POWER because he knows she is right. But we don’t know she is right, because he seems to remember everything just fine, and the movie never again revisits the memory loss subplot. It is just one of those things that happens, like everything else in this movie. Oh wait – nothing happens at all in this entire movie.

And then there is the part with Candy, the other hot girl, and she is taking a shower (even though they can’t find water. Whatever.) and then she hears dogs barking and she absolutely FLIPS OUT and runs out of the shower screaming like she is on FIRE and the second-in-command guy chases her and catches her. Then he just holds her and tells her it will all be alright and she is all, “you saved my life.” Classic Candy! Classic girl thing to do!

Do she and the second-in-command guy get together? You’ll just have to watch and find out for yourself!

The worst thing about this movie is everything. The OTHER worst thing about this movie is that it has forty (40!) percent positive reviews on Rotten Tomatoes. FORTY PERCENT!

A nice try.
- Luis Martinez of Cineganos Magazine.

A nice try! So nice! The nicest?

Enough fun to make the 90 minutes just fly by.
-Christopher Noll of Filmcritic.com

Enough fun, you say? If anything, it was TOO much fun!

Good job, Rotten Tomatoes. Good job, Dolph Lundgren. Good job, The Last Warrior. You made me wish that you were The Last Movie that I ever see.