Monster Ark

Monster Ark

Hey guys. Sorry about that! Work’s just been crazy. I have so many irons in the fire right now, you just don’t even know. And there’s just been project after project, with papers piling up and business meetings and trips. And I’m sure you’ve all been eagerly awaiting (oh, very eagerly, I’m so sure) the next entry in my sad quest, but you know how the 9-to-5 goes. Man! Work talk! So interesting! If I ever have another blog, it’ll be all about work! (Oh wait.) Anyway, for worse or worse, I’m back now. Let’s do this.

Every year, Hollywood makes a billion (exactly, one billion) terrible movies that are sequels, derivatives, remakes, or rip-offs of other movies. We’ve seen them all before, and we will continue to see them all until 2012 comes to usher us into the sweet, sweet release from humanity’s unending nightmare as documented on Hulu. Because that is Hulu’s job. It is not really Hulu’s job, but whatever. Hulu is not the hero we need, but it is the one we deserve.

Anyway, another type of movie that is even more dangerous (haha, dangerous) is the movie that actually sounds like it has a great idea behind it. A painful rehash masquerading as a fresh, original nonhash. Monster Ark is such a movie. Sort of. I mean, the idea may not be all that great but, man, what a tagline! I think “tagline,” is the right word. Anyway, it’s a good one! Are you ready for this tagline? ARE YOU READY FOR THIS TAGLINE?!?

He built one Ark to save us from the flood. The other to protect us from evil.

AN ARK TO PROTECT US FROM EVIL!

THAT! IS! AWESOME!

 “Status: Pumpt.”

But this is exactly why HuluRevu exists, ninjas. I watch these so you don’t have to. And you do not have to watch Monster Ark. Nobody should have to watch Monster Ark. People should not have acted in Monster Ark, directed Monster Ark, or written Monster Ark. The best boy should not have best boyed Monster Ark. The only thing that should have happened to Monster Ark is that Noah should have forgotten to caulk Monster Ark, so that it sank to the bottom of the sea (“Caulk?” OH, SHUT UP, PROFESSOR BOAT MASTER.)

The story does not, as you might expect, follow the misadventures of Noah as he seeks to follow God’s will to herd various prehistoric creatures into some sort of Monster Ark. That would have been awesome.

No, Monster Ark actually follow the non-adventures of Nicholas (Peter in White Collar!) an archeologist who discovers the last Dead Sea Scroll. I almost (almost) wish you could see how he discovers this stupid scroll. He’s on this archeological dig in the Qumran or whatever, and he’s looking at a map with his two grad students (haha, grad students. So much more about them in a minute) and he’s like, “nobody’s ever looked in THESE caves before!”  So they go and dig in those caves and after maybe two shovels of sand (archeology!) they find a secret chamber with a secret vase and it has Dead Sea Scroll in it. Boom.

Nice work, fellow archeologists!

And then he takes this stupid effing scroll to his ex-wife, because she is the only person in the whole world who can interpret ancient languages and that is just a fact. But he and her do not get along. Oh, it is so tense to watch them talk. Especially because she is a Christian now and he’s not. They are always fighting about how she is a Christian and he is not, like normal people do. Just very cool, very intelligent conversations they’re always having. No single issue can come up between them without someone being all like, “well, you’re just saying that because you’re an atheist.” And then the other one is like, “how can you believe in a loving God when so many people do terrible things in his name?” Good argument, Monster Ark! How CAN I believe in a loving God when YOU make this horrible movie in His name?

And make no mistake. Monster Ark is definitely made in God’s name (and somebody owes him an apology.) This movie really wants to be Mr. Cool Christian. Kirk Cameron has a signed poster of it on his wall, probably. Everybody becomes a Christian by the end. Oh, spoiler, btw. This movie ends with a Great Awakening. So great. The greatest?

So, Mr. Archeologist’s Dead Sea Scroll is actually the Book of Genesis, but with more “information.” It says that Noah built two arks, one to save the world, and one to contain a demon creature that could have destroyed the world. And, instead of calling this Book of Genesis a literary anomaly (I know a few archeological terms myself, LADIES), they decide to get out to Israel and find that other Ark! Classic Archeology! Classic normal plan! Fortunately, the Secret Book of Genesis has “coordinates” so they can find this “ark.” Bible Coordinates! In 2010! What a world!

When the Army finds out about this, they decide to go along. That just goes without saying. The “coordinates” (haha, coordinates) actually have very strong energy readings (haha, energy readings. Look, everything in this movie is hilarious, always.) The army guy tells the archeologists that the energy readings (haha) are so strong that it could be…are you ready for this, because this is exactly what he says…the energy readings are so strong that it could be “a secret bomb making facility.” A SECRET BOMB MAKING FACILITY!? 

But, no doy, the Army just ruins everything. They do get the ark, but some stuff happens, and it sets the very hilarious demon monster free. Some other stuff happens. And then they have to go find Noah’s magic staff (I know!) because it’s the only way to recapture the monster. And they have to recapture the monster otherwise it will be the end of the world for some reason that no one explains at all. But whatever! Noah’s magic staff or bust! THE GAME IS AFOOT, HILARIOUS MONSTER!

Oh man. This movie. Let’s just talk about the archeology for a second. Like, when they “dig” out the “treasure.” There’s this sealed tomb that has to be opened, and the head chief greatest archeologist in all the civilized world is about to open it, but the grad student stops them and is like, “wait, what if it releases dangerous poison spores? Remember what happened at King Tut’s tomb?” And everyone just praises her for being such a good grad student, as if she brought up some archaic and obscure archeological fact. And then they put stupid face masks on and open it and crisis averted. OH, VERY GOOD, GRAD STUDENT! A+++++++!!!!1 

Oh, and the grad student dresses in clothes that just nobody wears at all. She goes on all these archeological digs in bikinis and sports bras and miniskirts and it is very hot amazing stupid. I’d tell you more, but the Tomb Raider lawyers are here, wanting to ask me some questions.

YOU ARE POINTING YOUR GUN THE WRONG WAY, TOMB RAIDER. 

The other grad student is this fat guy. Comedy relief, I think. He is so fat! When he sits around the archeological site, HE REALLY SITS AROUND THE ARCHEO never mind. There is no need to finish that joke. I am not sure that he finishes any of his jokes. This movie needed no comic relief, anyway because the whole thing is TBS Very Funny, even though none of it is relieving.

And don’t even get me started on the whole faith verses science debate. Okay, maybe do get me started because what on earth? This archeologist guy is an atheist who only believes in FACTS, but he is still going on this mission to find Noah’s Monster Ark? And he doesn’t believe in God but he will fly around the world because of Bible Coordinates? And when he finds what he was looking for he doesn’t believe it because there is no such thing as God but then he goes and looks for Noah’s MAGIC STAFF? Is this real life? What complex inner turmoil his belief system is enduring! What an interesting dichotomy of character! WHO WROTE THIS MOVIE, ERNEST HEMINGWAY?!?

Go get it, Ernest Hemingway. Our hopes and prayers are with you. Make sure you shoot to kill, and go right for this guy, the director. Because his next project is something called Sharktopus.