Captain America

Time for some real talk! We can’t be scared of the truth any longer. Here’s the thing, guys: I love comic books. That’s not a surprise to any of you, but I feel like it still needs to be said. I read them a lot, and I think superheroes are great. Even as a little tiny boy, who are supposed to like superheroes, I really liked superheroes. And my favorite one of all was Captain America. 

Why? Who knows why? Mysteries are all around us. He is nobody else’s favorite superhero, but that is why I was such a unique child who grew up to do great things (Review Hulu movies!) The point is, I know more about Captain America than anyone else in the entire world. Which is why the Captain America movie will have to trust that it is my tough love talking when I say WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU IDIOT?! YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT HOW GREAT AMERICA IS, BUT YOU ARE GARBAGE! In a world which never makes sense, Captain America makes even less sense.

 Pictured: A pose which makes no sense.

The movie starts in Italy during World War II when a little Italian boy is kidnapped by the Germans so that they can test an experiment on him. I think that is what happened – the first fifteen minutes of this movie are in Italian or German or something but there are no subtitles so I’m confused (no, Captain America movie, YOU’RE confused!) Anyway, this science experiment makes people’s skin turn red (fun experiment!)

Pictured: SCIENCE

It turns him into someone they call the “Red Skull.” Cool name!

But when the head scientist lady sees that they’re going to test it on a little boy, she freaks out and runs away to America so that she can perform the same experiment here in LIBERTY.

So she defects to the American Army and they all test the experiment on Steve Rogers (Matt Salinger, son of J.D. SALINGER BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE!) The experiment doesn’t turn him red, but it cures his polio and makes him the perfect athlete (like every other American? Which is why he’s “Captain America?” File under: Duh.)

Pictured: A normal American

The Army sends him into combat so he can go defuse a Nazi rocket or something. And on the plane to Germany, he’s like, “Lieutenant, when do I get more troops in my battalion?” And the Lieutenant is like, “You don’t, soldier! Now get down there and win this war!” That seems like something you would have wanted to cover in the briefing, but this is World War II, before they invented Strategy. And Captain America parachutes down into the German jungle (sure) and the Lieutenant is like, “God bless you, Captain America!” Well, God had better bless him, Sir, because you obviously want him DEAD.

So he tries to defuse the Nazi Rocket but he gets caught by the Red Skull, who ties Captain America to the rocket, which is being fired at the White House! And the Red Skull talks and talks in some accent that I think is supposed to be Italian but sounds more like this guy. The rocket takes off with Captain America strapped to it. Fortunately (so fortunately) Captain America kicks a dent in the rocket, which makes it miss the White House by inches and he ends up landing in a pile of ice in Alaska, where he freezes to death. Just kidding. He is frozen for fifty years, but then he breaks out of the ice, hasn’t aged a day, and is healthy as any American MAN should be. Of course. That is why it’s called frozen alive, you guys. But the Red Skull is still alive! And has an evil daughter! And Captain America has to stop them! For some reason! I’m not sure why, but watch this:

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cs8rFsmhNTc

HAHAHAHAAAAA! The part where he is rolling on the ground while the other guy shoots him with the machine gun! And did you see how the movie trailer voice guy had the same problem I am having right now? Like how I'm explaining the setup to the movie but the setup just keeps going and going until the movie is mostly over but it hasn’t really started yet? That is because this movie is mostly over before it really starts!  

Look, this is a superhero movie. As a superhero movie, we’re going to have to allow some things. Like a costume with wings on the head. And a bullet proof shield that Captain America throws, and it knocks a water tower over, but then it boomarangs right to his hands. That is not how physics works, but we’ve got to be the bigger person here and let some things slide. Hakuna Matata, right?

But we CAN’T Hakuna Matata everything, or where will we stop? Knowing where to draw the line is part of how we can all be superheroes every day. Like, I don’t remember 1990 that well, but were we really still doing the whole spinning newspaper headline into the screen thing? Apparently we were. Fair enough! But I’m not sure anyone involved in this movie has ever SEEN a newspaper, because WHAT? Like, when Captain America breaks free from the ice, it is literally the full-page cover of every single newspaper in the world. I get that a man breaking out of ice is news, except a man breaking out of ice is not really news news. Other “headlines” in the Captain America movie include a boy going into the Peace Corps (okay), a boy graduating with honors (yes), spelling “Springfield” as “Sprinfield,” (Fine.) and “War Rages On” (of course.)

Also, Captain America’s relationship with his one true love is just awesome. At his going away “party” before he joins the “army,” his one true love (“Bernie.” This movie wins all the awards for naming people) isn’t there. So he finds her at the ocean where he’s like, “why aren’t you at my ‘party?’” And she’s like, “because I love you.” What a catch, Captain America! But it’s good, because he really does love her. So much so that when he jumps out of the plane, he screams, “I LOVE YOU, BERNIIIEEEEEE!” and it is very touching hilarious.

But when he comes back from being frozen alive, Bernie is very old and very married, and they pick up basically right where they left off (awwww) until she is SPOILER killed and then he just picks up where THAT left off with Bernie’s daughter. Cool! I mean, we should all be so lucky as to have our one true love have a daughter that is our age so that we can just work our way down the line. It sounds gross, but the Twilight vampire is hundreds of years older than Kristin Stewart so think about THAT.

Hey. Did you guys notice in that trailer, Captain America literally never says a single word? I think I know the reason for that. He actually talks a lot in the movie, and he has a very interesting way of saying lines. I’m not making fun! I’m trying to understand! It is fine that some people have interesting ways of talking! There is no rule about how superheroes should talk. All I’ll say is, this movie is not called Captain Talking Normal for a very good reason.

It’s just so perfect, like with other movies, that so many adults paid real, actual dollars to get this out to the public. And it is perfect, so perfect, that people thought this would be a good statement on just what makes America great, but it is actually a GREAT statement on what makes America TERRIBLE. It is perfect that Youtube's video tribute to the Red Skull's daughter has 75,000 views. And it is not perfect that my childhood had to be ruined, but I feel silly whining when it is really J.D. Salinger who probably hates this movie most. “Where did I go wrong?” is what he was like, probably. A rare miss, Salinger family. A rare miss. 

100 Girls

Look, I’m sure none of you have seen 100 Girls. For one thing, it came out ten years ago, before any of you were born. Secondly, it’s a C-Lister, tops, whose only recognizable leads are Katherine Heigl and the girl from Entourage. Why should I review it? It is a college sex romp that purveys an irresponsible message. Would you ask the sun to stop shining an irresponsible message? Would you ask the grass to stop growing an irresponsible message?                                                                   Pictured: 100 Idiots

But, look, I’ve got to do something. It’s like how throwing one starfish back into the ocean changes the world for that starfish or whatever. If I can stop one person from seeing 100 Girls or from believing its lying pile of make-believe lies, then I have not lived in vain. Also, I can’t HELP IT! This movie made me so ANGRY! All 100 of these girls (or whatever) should be forced to watch this movie on repeat for eternity, because there are 100 Reasons not to watch it. One for each of them.(And look at that movie poster. My favorite thing about those 100(?) girls is just how different and unique they all are. Just very cool, Hollywood. What a beautiful rainbow of humanity you found.)

The movie follows Matt (Jonathan Tucker) over the course of one inane semester at college. I use the word “college” as loosely as this “movie” does, because there does not seem to be class, or books, or learning or anything. But that’s cool. Matt is in an elevator with a mystery girl whose face he can’t see (don’t ask) and then there’s a blackout through the entire dorm (they call it the “Virgin Vault” because I don’t know why) and they get stuck and have sex in the dark elevator because of course they do. But when he wakes up the next morning on the floor of the elevator she’s gone and he has no idea who she is. Obviously. That is how elevator rescue works. But, thank sweet Jebus, the mystery girl left her underwear behind. So now all he has to do is get back into the Virgin Vault and find the matching bra. Life is so simple sometimes! So he pretends to be a maintenance man and spends the semester causing maintenance problem in the Virgin Vault so he can get in, fix the problem, and sort through girls’ bras until he finds the magical bra of his one true love. But he also gets to talk – really talk – to girls, who are all in their underwear because that is all that girls wear in dorm rooms always and forever, amen. Duh. And along the way he learns so many lessons about girls and genders and it’s so profound that I took so many notes (Took So Many Notes = Tore My Eyes Out.) Things get super deep sometimes, but I never stopped asking the pivotal question.

WHICH GIRL WAS IT?!?!?

Was it Katherine Heigl? The arrogant tomboy who challenges Matt to Strip Fooze Ball every time she sees him? Because that is something girls do? And it isn’t until they play on the same team that they learn how they compliment each other just like gender roles or something? COULD IT BE?

Is it Wendy (hey! The girl who played Alex Mack!)? The sweet All-American princess who helps Matt try to find his one true love by dressing him in the world’s worst drag but it convinces literally every single one of these functionally comatose college students that he is a girl? So he can get the inside scoop? But Wendy is actually SPOILER a lesbian? And Matt helps her tell her mom, because they have a pillow fight? COULD IT BE?

Is it Patty? The girl from Entourage? The sultry, sexy, artsy girl who is a strong, liberated woman except not really because we see her boyfriend, like, sexually assault her three times and she never does anything about it but she is still a smart, strong, independent woman who can have sex with anyone she wants? But still needs Matt to fend off her boyfriend’s attempts to rape her? COULD IT BE?

Is it Jamie Presley? The unbelievably hot (I guess) girl who is so used to having guys do everything for her until she gets run over by a runaway couch (sure) and her face is permanently bruised (I guess) and then guys stop doing things for her because men = garbage? COULD IT BE?

It’s our generation’s Sophie’s Choice!

Okay, I am an adult. I can forgive many things, ask anyone. I can forgive this movie’s bad acting. I can forgive its horrible, horrible dialogue (“Each of those one-hundred girls has a separate personality. Amy likes purple." 100 Points, Matt! You may graduate your college now.) I can forgive that it is never funny. I can even forgive its hypocritical message about how every girl is a separate, unique little snowflake even though every girl in this movie is in her underwear the entire time. I can forgive all those things and so many more! But I cannot, will not, forgive this movie’s LYING PILE OF MAKE-BELIEVE and neither should you!

What Matt learns in between all the Strip Fooze Ball, dressing in drag, posing as a maintenance man, and talking, really talking, to girls in their underwear is that if guys would just listen, and ask questions, and be interested in one thing besides sex, then everything would just be perfect. At the end, when he starts listening and asking deep, profound questions (A sample of his questions: “If God is good, why do bad things happen to good people?” “Why do they call it a boxing ring when it’s square?” “Do bad guys think they’re actually the good guy?” Fun questions! A sample of my questions: “How do I get this gun to work?”) Anyway, when he starts LISTENING, they all sigh and moan and fall madly in love with him and he has 100 girls (get it?) pining after him like little robots in their underwear. That is how girls work, you guys.

Ooookay. A few things about this. First of all, I get how romantic it is for Matt to be searching for his one true love that he hooked up with in an elevator one night, but, it is not romantic at all, because they hooked up in an elevator one night. For a movie that’s all about how bad it is that guys just want sex to be all that love is, Matt sure thinks that sex is all that love is! He still thinks that blind elevator sex means he’s found his one true love! Because elevator sex means forever! No, Matt, you idiot, elevator sex means you were drunk and stupid and the sooner you move on, the better. That is what his roommate tells him, and the movie makes his roommate out to be this misogynist pig except his roommate is TOTALLY RIGHT.

And, okay, why is this our favorite thing to make a movie about? How guys only want sex and if they could just stop wanting sex and listen, for once, then girls would want to have sex with them? That’s totally true except it’s not true at all because I am a grown, adult man and I have listened to girls and they still leave! I don’t want to make this about my love life or say that I am a perfect boyfriend because I know that I’m jaded and pushy. But 100 Girls started it when they tried to give me advice. Girls, you are all wonderful princesses in God’s Kingdom, but it is time for us to stop make believing that all you want is someone who listens to you, because that is a lie and I know for a fact that many of you leave nice, decent, listening men for I DON'T KNOW WHY. But I don't have to! You are perfectly capable of leaving any guy you like for any reason you want to. Hollywood thinks you are incapable of loving someone past some narcissistic desire to be "listened to," and that is just as bad as sexual objectifying you. And this movie does that too! It is the Perfect Horrible Storm!

100 Girls thinks it has unlocked the mysteries of human relationships by making boys horny sex maniacs and making girls robot underwear models. That is the worst thing about this movie.

The OTHER worst thing about this movie is that it is such a HYPOCRITE. Matt meets this girl, Dora, who is alone and sad because she is so ugly. Except, she is Hollywood ugly, which means she has glasses and a ponytail. And she moans and moans about how she will never find anyone who will actually love her and will settle for some “fat, male counterpart,” and says she will effing kill herself if Matt doesn’t agree and Matt says, “well, sorry, but you’re probably right.” Awwwwww. Matt is learning so much about how to talk to girls! And in real life, Dora’s name is Marissa Rabisi and SHE IS MARRIED TO BECK AND IS A SUPER MODEL.

                                 Pictured: The World’s Ugliest Woman

Gross! She is a nightmare in a woman’s body! And speaking of her body, it is an awesome body. I know, because she strips to her underwear (of course) so that Matt can film her and then she is so happy about herself! Because she sees how hot she is, I guess. That is the sort of realistic depictions of loneliness 100 Girls portrays! Ugly girls can be happy too as long as they are hot! The more you know! Bom, bom, bom, BOM!

I can hardly type I am so furious! I felt like a kid watching Captain Planet but then, all of a sudden, it’s interrupted for a breaking news special on tornadoes or something. “Why is something good not happening on TV?” That’s what I am like.

I literally cannot believe that hundreds of mature adults (and 100 girls, I am so sure) were involved in this production. Did not one person have the courage and humanity to stop this? To speak up for those who have no voice and say, “The words we are saying are PRETEND!” Or, at least, someone could have set fire to the set!

So, it turns out that Katherine Heigl is a lesbian so she hooks up with Alex Mack and they’re happy. Ugly Dorma hooks up with Matt’s misogynistic roommate who deserves someone who is not a pretend-ugly super model, so they’re happy. And Patty was the elevator girl! Maybe! No one ever really says that for sure so I’m confused I guess, but she and Matt hook up and they are happy. And if spontaneous combustion were real it would have happened to Hulu because I wanted this movie to die SO BADLY, and I was the opposite of happy.

I am so disappointed in everyone who was involved in this thing. I could write 100 Pages about it all, but I’m too busy trying to put my eyeballs back into my head. My memories, however, cannot be erased. And neither can my 100 Pounds of fury. This movie should have to do 100 Hours of community service.

Coming Next Week: Captain America