Captain America

Time for some real talk! We can’t be scared of the truth any longer. Here’s the thing, guys: I love comic books. That’s not a surprise to any of you, but I feel like it still needs to be said. I read them a lot, and I think superheroes are great. Even as a little tiny boy, who are supposed to like superheroes, I really liked superheroes. And my favorite one of all was Captain America. 

Why? Who knows why? Mysteries are all around us. He is nobody else’s favorite superhero, but that is why I was such a unique child who grew up to do great things (Review Hulu movies!) The point is, I know more about Captain America than anyone else in the entire world. Which is why the Captain America movie will have to trust that it is my tough love talking when I say WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU IDIOT?! YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT HOW GREAT AMERICA IS, BUT YOU ARE GARBAGE! In a world which never makes sense, Captain America makes even less sense.

 Pictured: A pose which makes no sense.

The movie starts in Italy during World War II when a little Italian boy is kidnapped by the Germans so that they can test an experiment on him. I think that is what happened – the first fifteen minutes of this movie are in Italian or German or something but there are no subtitles so I’m confused (no, Captain America movie, YOU’RE confused!) Anyway, this science experiment makes people’s skin turn red (fun experiment!)

Pictured: SCIENCE

It turns him into someone they call the “Red Skull.” Cool name!

But when the head scientist lady sees that they’re going to test it on a little boy, she freaks out and runs away to America so that she can perform the same experiment here in LIBERTY.

So she defects to the American Army and they all test the experiment on Steve Rogers (Matt Salinger, son of J.D. SALINGER BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE!) The experiment doesn’t turn him red, but it cures his polio and makes him the perfect athlete (like every other American? Which is why he’s “Captain America?” File under: Duh.)

Pictured: A normal American

The Army sends him into combat so he can go defuse a Nazi rocket or something. And on the plane to Germany, he’s like, “Lieutenant, when do I get more troops in my battalion?” And the Lieutenant is like, “You don’t, soldier! Now get down there and win this war!” That seems like something you would have wanted to cover in the briefing, but this is World War II, before they invented Strategy. And Captain America parachutes down into the German jungle (sure) and the Lieutenant is like, “God bless you, Captain America!” Well, God had better bless him, Sir, because you obviously want him DEAD.

So he tries to defuse the Nazi Rocket but he gets caught by the Red Skull, who ties Captain America to the rocket, which is being fired at the White House! And the Red Skull talks and talks in some accent that I think is supposed to be Italian but sounds more like this guy. The rocket takes off with Captain America strapped to it. Fortunately (so fortunately) Captain America kicks a dent in the rocket, which makes it miss the White House by inches and he ends up landing in a pile of ice in Alaska, where he freezes to death. Just kidding. He is frozen for fifty years, but then he breaks out of the ice, hasn’t aged a day, and is healthy as any American MAN should be. Of course. That is why it’s called frozen alive, you guys. But the Red Skull is still alive! And has an evil daughter! And Captain America has to stop them! For some reason! I’m not sure why, but watch this:

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cs8rFsmhNTc

HAHAHAHAAAAA! The part where he is rolling on the ground while the other guy shoots him with the machine gun! And did you see how the movie trailer voice guy had the same problem I am having right now? Like how I'm explaining the setup to the movie but the setup just keeps going and going until the movie is mostly over but it hasn’t really started yet? That is because this movie is mostly over before it really starts!  

Look, this is a superhero movie. As a superhero movie, we’re going to have to allow some things. Like a costume with wings on the head. And a bullet proof shield that Captain America throws, and it knocks a water tower over, but then it boomarangs right to his hands. That is not how physics works, but we’ve got to be the bigger person here and let some things slide. Hakuna Matata, right?

But we CAN’T Hakuna Matata everything, or where will we stop? Knowing where to draw the line is part of how we can all be superheroes every day. Like, I don’t remember 1990 that well, but were we really still doing the whole spinning newspaper headline into the screen thing? Apparently we were. Fair enough! But I’m not sure anyone involved in this movie has ever SEEN a newspaper, because WHAT? Like, when Captain America breaks free from the ice, it is literally the full-page cover of every single newspaper in the world. I get that a man breaking out of ice is news, except a man breaking out of ice is not really news news. Other “headlines” in the Captain America movie include a boy going into the Peace Corps (okay), a boy graduating with honors (yes), spelling “Springfield” as “Sprinfield,” (Fine.) and “War Rages On” (of course.)

Also, Captain America’s relationship with his one true love is just awesome. At his going away “party” before he joins the “army,” his one true love (“Bernie.” This movie wins all the awards for naming people) isn’t there. So he finds her at the ocean where he’s like, “why aren’t you at my ‘party?’” And she’s like, “because I love you.” What a catch, Captain America! But it’s good, because he really does love her. So much so that when he jumps out of the plane, he screams, “I LOVE YOU, BERNIIIEEEEEE!” and it is very touching hilarious.

But when he comes back from being frozen alive, Bernie is very old and very married, and they pick up basically right where they left off (awwww) until she is SPOILER killed and then he just picks up where THAT left off with Bernie’s daughter. Cool! I mean, we should all be so lucky as to have our one true love have a daughter that is our age so that we can just work our way down the line. It sounds gross, but the Twilight vampire is hundreds of years older than Kristin Stewart so think about THAT.

Hey. Did you guys notice in that trailer, Captain America literally never says a single word? I think I know the reason for that. He actually talks a lot in the movie, and he has a very interesting way of saying lines. I’m not making fun! I’m trying to understand! It is fine that some people have interesting ways of talking! There is no rule about how superheroes should talk. All I’ll say is, this movie is not called Captain Talking Normal for a very good reason.

It’s just so perfect, like with other movies, that so many adults paid real, actual dollars to get this out to the public. And it is perfect, so perfect, that people thought this would be a good statement on just what makes America great, but it is actually a GREAT statement on what makes America TERRIBLE. It is perfect that Youtube's video tribute to the Red Skull's daughter has 75,000 views. And it is not perfect that my childhood had to be ruined, but I feel silly whining when it is really J.D. Salinger who probably hates this movie most. “Where did I go wrong?” is what he was like, probably. A rare miss, Salinger family. A rare miss.