The Seventh Sign

Let’s get one thing straight from the get-go here. This is not a blog about the world’s worst movies. It is not called Bad Movie Revu. Who told you it was called Bad Movie Revu?  That would be an even worse name for a blog than HuluRevu. No, ninjas, this is a blog about movies on Hulu. It just so happens that the movies on Hulu are largely awful, awful movies. Who knows why the movies on Hulu are largely awful, awful movies? WOULD YOU ASK THE SUN TO STOP SHINING? The point is, if you want to read a blog about terrible movies so much, why don’t you marry it? Huh? Oh, I’m sorry. Am I not making any sense? No? That might be because my mind is so BLOWN from the new entry in the HuluRevu canon, The Seventh Sign, starring Demi Moore. It is SUCH A HORRIBLE MOVIE. It is the reason this blog should be called “Bad Movie Revu,” even though I literally JUST said it should not be called “Bad Movie Revu.” This movie is the backspace key for my MIND.

(Oh look. It’s the guys from the Metaphor University. Coming to make me DEAN.)

CNTRL + ALT + YUCKLETE

The Seventh Sign, you guys.

“Sjunde Tecknet” means “this movie is great!” in BARFANESE

Demi Moore is the wife of some annoying hotshot lawyer. She’s living at a time of global unrest, what with all of Haiti’s fish dying and some town in the Middle East freezing over (and also shrinking to the size of a movie model but WHATEVER) and the Amazon turning to blood. So it seems that the planet is spinning wildly and irrevocably out of control to some nameless yet certain doom from which there is no hope of escape.

Which is to say, everything is terrible, but longtime readers of HuluRevu already know that.

Demi Moore is pregnant, first of all. She and her very, very annoying lawyer husband rent out their upstairs apartment to some guy named David who is just the weirdest guy. He has this accent that just nobody has, and he says the creepiest things (HE KNOWS THE EXACT DAY THAT HER BABY WILL BE BORN!) and he looks at everybody with great staring power. But he has some charming story about how sparrows see all the souls shuffled out of Heaven and put into new babies, so he must be a good guy. Alright, David! What a guy! Except we, the audience, know he can’t be that great of a guy, because he’s in such a terrible movie been breaking all these seals (not like this) at the scenes of all those global catastrophes I mentioned earlier. Some might say, even CAUSING these catastrophes? As if he were more than he seemed! COULD IT BE?!?

Of course he is.  He’s actually Jesus Christ. Of course.

The Second Dumbing

He’s back because God’s so sick of humanity that he’s just decided to drop the other shoe. “First I came as the lamb,” says David, “now I’m here as the lion.” Gross. Somebody call the Bible Doctor, because we have a CODE RED. Anyway. According to David/Jesus, Demi Moore is pregnant with the world’s last baby. And when that baby is born, all the souls will be used up and the apocalypse will happen and it’s all just exactly like the Bible says and boom goes the dynamite. Selah. Oh, also Demi Moore was at the Crucifixion in a previous life (yes, sure, of course.) She was there, and Jesus asked her to help him(?) while he was being whipped, and she didn’t. That is very relevant to the plot. Why? I don’t know. Some questions have no answers.

It’s supposed to be scary and suspenseful, but it’s not scary and suspenseful. It is ridiculous and derivative. It’s like the director saw The Omen was like, “Let’s do the same thing, but stupid!” And Demi Moore, you are no Gregory Peck. I am MAN enough to know the difference.

Yep!

Nope.

There’s also this “priest” who’s traveling to all the scenes of natural disasters and at every single one he stops and stares out over the wreckage with GREAT STARING POWER and gets all misty eyed as he quotes some Bible verse that correlates to the disaster. At first it’s sort of spooky, but after the eighth Bible verse it’s like, “we get it, Father. PEACE BE WITH YOU AND YOUR ASTONISHINGLY STUPID SUBPLOT.”

So Demi Moore, still pregnant with the world’s last baby just like it says in the Bible, finds this scroll of ancient writing, and she takes it to a Rabbi like any normal person would so that he can translate it. But then she tries to shake the Rabbi’s hand and he freaks out like he is ON FIRE and runs away, refusing to talk to her because I guess it is a great insult for Rabbis to be touched. (“Oh, Jews! Always with the hating to be touched!” – The Seventh Sign’s religious experts.) But the Rabbi’s extremely young grandson is all Professor Ancient Languages, because he can translate the “secret language of Hasidic Jews,” even though I am not sure he is old enough to read a normal language. So, anyway, the kid translates the ancient language and it is some ancient, secret manuscript called the Book of Jeremiah! And instead of being all, “Well, now I feel stupid because I spent the last however long translating a book that that is regularly given away for free,” the kid’s all like:

The book of Jeremiah says a lot of Bible stuff about how the world’s going to end. Demi Moore figures out that she and her baby, the world’s last baby, can stop the Apocalypse from happening (just like the Bible says) but she needs David/Jesus to give her the exact details of the operation. And he says – are you ready for this? Because I am not kidding. ARE YOU READY FOR THIS?!? – he says:

“Hope.”

Good. Night. Nurse. What do you have to say for your wife, Ashton Kutcher?

I am the world’s last baby.

Whatever, Ashton. Let’s just focus on how this is not plot resolution. This is a simple example of a scriptwriter who built the stakes bigger than he knew how to resolve, and was forced to use a DEUS EX RETARDA plot device to make his stupid, shallow, insipid movie work. THAT is the worst thing about this movie.

THE OTHER WORST THING ABOUT THIS MOVIE IS HOW GREAT IT THINKS IT IS! Like, I know nobody comes to this site for Bible Trivia (I’m not positive anybody comes to this site at all) but, really? Really, The Seventh Sign? Jesus? The Book of Jeremiah? And don’t even get me started on the mentally handicapped kid who is a serial killer because God made him that way to set the Apocalypse in motion. Alright! Mr. Cool God!

So Demi Moore hopes and hopes and she finally hopes enough that it makes more souls for Heaven? And she redeems herself for not helping Jesus back when she in her earlier life had a chance? And she gets shot (Oh, SPOILER BTW. Demi Moore dies. File under: The Seventh Duh) in the stomach but her baby survives because she hopes enough? And Jesus/David tells the genius Jewish child to write all this down? So that’s why we have the movie? Well, I know God don’t make no junk – but this movie is definitely junk, so I’m confused. No, The Seventh Sign, YOU’RE confused!

Look, it’s not like I went to BIBLE COLLEGE or whatever (oh wait) but maybe one person – ONE PERSON – should have called somebody who has read the Bible, before they made an entire movie Demi Moore Vanity Project about it. And if you don’t want to do a stitch of research about the fulcrum upon which your ENTIRE PLOT HINGES, then maybe make a Demi Moore Vanity Project about something else! Nobody is forcing you to put the Bible in your movie. The movie would probably be better without the Bible! Haha. Just kidding. Nothing would make this movie good. Maybe God could, and you pretty much burned that bridge when you decided to make a movie about what a jerk he is. But the only jerk here is you, the Seventh Sign.